Fuzz Balls

     Have you ever noticed the fuzz balls collecting on your pants? I'm talking about the area between your legs where your monster thighs rub together. It's not always noticeable, either.  It really depends on the fabric or material of your pants. Regardless, the tiny little fuzz balls are always there to the touch even when you can't see'em.  You can sit and pick them off one by one, but that's not going to rid these fuzzy little suckers.  After a an entire day of thigh rubbing, they'll return soon enough. Oh, don't fall too much in love with a pair of pants that fit comfortably.  Fuzzies are a sign that you're wearing away the material at an accelerated pace.  Tiny holes will appear, eventually. Your favorite lounge pants will be in the last of their days. Unless, you can pull off a Martha Stewart and sew on some really nifty patches.

     Oh, and let me tell you ... I love to wear Old Navy pajama pants.  I go with the seasons.  Valentine's Day is coming up and they'll have a cute little selection. The flannel material is a fuzz ball haven. Recently, I ripped the butt out of a pair.  Let's just say that I was glad this malfunction happened before I left the house. They weren't even that tight. I guess my fat cells shifted just right that day.  Speaking of clothes, have you ever noticed a fat girl wearing a hoodie on a hot day?  Yeah, I have been that girl.  Guilty as charged.  It's uncomfortable. I'm sweating my make-up off my 'pretty' face and my t-shirt that's being bogged down by my sweatshirt is sticking to my back. Okay, so, now you know that I even dress in layers on a hot day.  It's total torture.  But, we feel so much skinnier in a big ol' hoodie.  I feel like it's harder to see my fat rolls.  Or, maybe, I have this crazy little notion that I'm able to pull off looking roll-less. Anyway, I'm a hot mess in this sweatshirt and I just want to look good.  Please be kind and don't say to me, "Oh, you must be really hot!"  I'm going to deny it. I'm going to tell you that I'm not hot even when you can visibly see the sweat beading up on my forehead.

     I haven't been to the gym in a few days. I feel like crap already, too.  I'm already feeling tired.  A little anxious. And, I feel really, really guilty.  I know better!  Tomorrow, I'm back to the grind.  I've experienced a little hiccup this weekend due to outside stressors. I think it's all about my journey.  I can't run to Burger King for a BK Oreo Shake whenever I'm feeling the blues.

Day 60

     It's day 60. I am currently down 17 pounds. I missed my goal by 3 pounds.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I really am happy and I'm beginning to enjoy my journey a little more every day.  I wish I could take the bioelectrical impedance analysis. It's a test that measures how quickly an electrical current travels through your body.  I would love to find out how much fat I'm replacing with muscle on a monthly basis. I bet I would throw out my pesky little scale.

    I think an important question to ask yourself would be: Why do you want to lose weight?  In the past, I wanted to be 'pretty', 'skinny', and like the girl on TV. Now, it's for totally different reasons. I want to be a healthy human being. A healthy strong heart to keeping me going for many, many years to come. I want to lower my risk of developing different diseases. I have been hard on my body.  Yet, it has always been able to bounce back.  The human body really is a beautiful machine.  I have a daughter that's going to be two in April and I don't want her to struggle with food and her body image like I did growing up.  I want to teach her that food is good and nutritious. I want to be active and physical with her.  I don't want her to see Momma glued to the couch, sipping on soda, and munching on Doritos. I want her to pick up my good habits and to lead by example. I want more children.  Right now, I'm not at a healthy weight.  I am at risk for gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and etc. I want to be as healthy as I can be before I try to conceive again.  I want to be around to see my grandkids and my great grandkids. I don't want to be the 50 year old woman struggling with back and hip pains.  I feel 50 is still young.  If I take care of myself now, I'll have a better chance of feeling good in twenty years.  I want to feel content in my own skin, too.  I do hate my pudgy belly.  My extra meaty thighs.  My chicken wing arms.  I'm not going to aim for perfection though. I know that people age. Bodies soften with age.  Boobs will sag over time. You might develop stretch marks, too. That's okay. I worry more about my arteries, my blood vessels, and lungs. It's easy to not think about those things because we take our health for granted. We can't see what's going on inside our bodies. We focus on our shell -- Our stomachs, butts, thighs, arms, and etc. And, we feed off what other people interpret as beautiful or sexy.

    I don't always feel beautiful. Today, I do. I think it's because I'm feeling confident. And, I'm taking time to take care of me. That's love. I deserve it.


Gym song of the day: Pearl Jam - Animal

Diet Fads

     Isn't it crazy that the first diet book was published in 1864? It was based on eating lean meats and dry toast. Could you really do that forever? America is now bigger than ever. I think we see a label that reads low-fat and and eat more calories. Or, we see a diet fad, pill, or gimmick and jump right into it without questioning if this is really a good diet? Is it healthy? Thirty years ago, we couldn't find very many places that would give us our food in a matter of minutes. Ah, instant gratification. We have way too many fattening foods available to us all the time and at every turn. It's true that a diet will work when you are on them. But, have you ever noticed that those pill diets and fad diets usually always say to exercise and cut calories. That's the answer.

     I grew up thinking I was this fat cow. I look back at pictures and I'm shocked that I thought that about myself. I remember skipping meals in the 3rd grade. I refused to wear shorts because I hated my knees. Yes, I never wore a pair of shorts in all the years I was in school. Well, only during volleyball, but we had knee pads. My body image controlled my life. I didn't want to swim. I didn't want to play sports. I was always afraid that people were picking me apart. And, that they thought I was disgustingly fat. In middle school, I was taking laxatives. I was still skipping meals. Eventually, I was purging. I would lose massive amounts of weight, but only to put it all back on again. Plus some. I didn't understand that depriving myself was slowing my metabolism. I was eating my muscles. Muscles burn fat. I have read that losing more than 1-2 pounds per week is self-sabotaging. It's true because we can't keep up with that lifestyle forever. It's still a struggle for me. I like to burn large amounts of fat. I have lost over 40 pounds in 6 weeks before in the past. It's all back, again. I couldn't keep up with only eating oatmeal, yogurt, and working out 3 hours per day.

     I was researching a hormone called Leptin.  It's secreted by fat cells and it helps control your appetite by binding receptors in the brain to tell you that you're full.  But, the Leptin and fat are a package deal. Do you know what that means?  Lose fat, lose Leptin.  So, when Leptin levels are low, the body reacts by consuming energy expenditure so much that you stop burning calories at a normal rate. That's why it's best to lose weight slowly. I step on the scale and I remind myself all the time that small weight loss numbers are a good thing. Although, I do know better, I still focus on big numbers. It's something that I am working on right now. If my boyfriend, Miah, had it his way, there would be no scale in this house.

  
     Gym song of the day: Static X -- Destroyer

Think Forever

     Ponder this quote, "If you can't see yourself eating or exercising a certain way for the rest of your life -- say consuming raw food and running 5 miles every day -- you shouldn't be doing it to lose weight in the first place," says Linda Spangle (author of 100 Days of Weight Loss). I think it makes a lot of sense because the only changes that we can continue indefinitely are the only changes that work.  There are some people that workout 3 times per week, can eat out a few times a week, and will still reach their goal weight.

    I have not been counting calories, protein, or fat. I guess I have been making better choices and cutting back on my portions. I thought about journalizing everything that I will be eating, but really, I don't want to do that. For instance, I know in the mornings that it's best for me to eat an egg rather than a bowl of cereal. An egg is full of protein and low calories.  Cereal, well, it's mostly full of sugar or high fructose corn syrup. I'm not really getting that much nutrition from a bowl of cereal. I think we don't pay attention to what we eat, what it does for our body, or how much. It's a small change, but it's working for me. I might grab a small glass of OJ compared to a huge glass. I've noticed that drinks carry a lot of empty calories. I've been mainly sticking to water.

     "Weight management has to be an uncompromising, non-negotiable, everyday thing, like brushing your teeth."   -- Spangle


       Gym song of the day: Tool - Vicarious

Bike Routines

     Working out is really a competition against yourself.  I'm constantly trying to beat my old times/distances.  I've been doing a bike routine, lately. I read that to mimic outdoor speeds, I need to go 5-10 mph faster than my average speed on the road. It makes sense considering that there's no wind, weather, or terrain to worry about. But, really, have I ever kept track of my speed outdoors? I bought my first bike (since being a kid) last Summer and I did not keep track of my speed. I'm pretty sure that I was just as fast as the common snail. Anyway, I'm pretty certain that the typical road cyclist rides at 10 mph. I probably did that going down the hills! 

  

     On the bike, don't pay attention to watts or mets (unless you are an elite athlete). I'm doing intervals -- sprint -- recover. I like to keep my rpm's over 60. I might ride 70-80 rpm's for 5 minutes, blast over 100 rpm's for 1 minute, and do 60 rpm's for 1 minute. I'll repeat this 5 times.  I think this is a great start for a beginner who's not in the best of shape. 

     Here's an example of a bike routine at the gym that will burn 500 calories:

 MINUTES                           RPM                                   RESISTANCE

0-5                                        80                                       5

5-10                                      80                                       7

10-12                                    80                                       8

12-13                                    85                                       6

13-15                                    90                                       8

15-16                                    85                                       6

16-18                                    95                                       8

18-19                                    85                                       6

19-21                                    95                                       8

21-25                                    90                                       6

25-26                                    100                                     8

26-27                                    90                                       6

27-28                                    100                                     8

28-29                                    90                                       6

29-30                                    100                                     8

30-33                                    90                                       6

33-35                                    95                                       8

35-40                                    80                                       6

     

     I think changing it up and paying attention allows you not to get bored. You're too busy pushing through barriers and setting up the next resistance level. It's 40 minutes and if I'm needing a quick bike workout, well, I usually do the 5k and set the resistance around 7.5. It takes about 17 minutes, unless you're having a very tired slow day, it'll take around 20 minutes. 

     Gym song of the day: Hatebreed -- Another Day, Another Vendetta

    

Track Progress

     Somewhere along the way, I gave up. I lost myself.  I relinquished myself to food. Sure, I went on a few crash diets. I even lost weight. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't fun. And, it wasn't enough to keep the hunger monster satisfied. I'm the captain of this ship. I'm not an empty enormous shell that's happy living off Taco Bell and Debbie Cakes. Or, burrowing myself into a couch cushion and making it my refuge. I'm making small changes. The small changes every day will lead up to the bigger picture. What's the bigger picture? Me -- reaching my goals, making new discoveries about my body and what it can accomplish, conquering personal battles, and being an overall happier being. I am excited about my lifestyle change. I really am.

     Tracking progress is going to be a really important part of my journey. I need this blog to do just that. I'm not going on any "fad" diets or crash diets. I'm changing my view on food, exercise, and health. I think it's really simple. Eat healthier, watch calories, drink water, and exercise. I'm still going to eat foods that I like (pizza, burgers, potatoes), but I'm going to use portion control. I know better than to pile my plate full of mashed potatoes and to only go back for heaping seconds. Sure, it's good, but that satisfaction is only temporary. I guess I really got it in my head this time. 

     Day 30, -10 pounds

     Gym song of the day - Pantera -- Walk

      

     

Time.

  I'm a stay-at-home Mom, but it's not that easy finding time to go to the gym. The nearest babysitter lives an hour away. That'd be my Mom or Miah's Mom. Other than that, no one else watches our daughter.  Miah, the boyfriend, works early morning, long days. Recently, his boss, decided to quit the business and get a real job. It was in our plan to start our own company, but it was sooner than expected. And, work always slows down around the Holidays.
  The routine so far: The boyfriend, Miah, wakes up, hits the gym. And, when he returns, I go. I have a workout buddy already. Miah's sister, Bethany, joined the gym. I'll be on my own again as soon as the business picks up and the boyfriend returns to early, long work days. That means I will have 5 am workouts. Let's be honest, 5 am is too early, but I am more determined than ever.
  Our workouts -- 30 minute cardio and 30 minutes on the weights. Arms one day, legs the next, etc. I think she's pretty determined, too. And, we push each other through tough barriers. It really is nice to have a workout buddy!

Hello, Gym.

  Oh, look, it's me -- The fat girl with a pretty face! Seriously, if you know an attractive fat girl, please do not say to them, "You have such a pretty face." Listen up, Buddy O' Pal, we know we're fat. I can see my muffin top every single time I pass my bedroom mirror. And, not only can I see it, I can feel it. I am well aware that I'm fat. If you plan on complimenting me or the next fat girl, "You're pretty" makes a lot more sense than "You have such a pretty face!"
  It's no secret. I'm really fat again.  It's no exaggeration. I can't hide my fat *pretty face* from the world. I was super freakin' upset yesterday because my clothes no longer fit. It didn't happen over night. I know this. I'm not talking about my jeans, either. I haven't been able to wear my jeans for months now. I'm talking about pajama pants that have elastic waist bands. You know, elastic waist bands only have the ability to stretch so far! I was probably overly dramatic, but I disposed of almost all my clothes.  I donated numerous trash bags full of clothes to Good Will. I might have two outfits that I can wear now. It's pretty bad that my grannie panties don't even fit me. I'm talking about the over sized underwear that the ladies save for that special time of the month. Or, at least, that's what I do. Anyway, I refuse to shop for new clothes until I lose a big chunk of weight.
  Today, the boyfriend and I joined a gym. It's a 5 month membership. I'm determined. I'm ready to make lifestyle changes. I did it once. I can do it again. And, that's what angers me the most about this whole fat thing. I swore that I'd never allow myself to get super fat again. Yet, here I am. Fat as ever.
  Recently, I spent Thanksgiving at my Mother's house. She decided to take a few pictures of me in all my roly poly glory and post them on the internet. I was disgusted with myself. I was mad at her. I kept thinking, "Is this what I really look like?" Maybe, repulsed is a better word.
  So, here I am ... ready to make big changes! It's not going to be easy. It's never easy breaking bad habits.